Treatment

I am now in my final (hopefully) treatment program. It's very free, and I have my laptop, so I can blog more. Yay!! :P So...I guess what I'm having the most issues, is, yet again food. I don't want to fucking eat. I don't want to. I want to lose weight, I want to be skinny. But I keep getting told I can't be here if I keep restricting. So I guess I have to say hello to my old friend Mia. So...yeah. I'll keep ya'll posted.

MY WISH

I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNY. AND PERFECT. I WOULD DO ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY. ANYTHING.

My Friend: Ana

The only true diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. Because nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

I know I should know better, and I know I shouldn't think or believe this, but the thing is, I do. It makes a lot of sense to me. I just want to be loved and I just want to be at least somewhat ok. But I don't feel like I ever will be until I look good enough for everybody else. As we all know, nobody likes fat people, right? People like skinny people. So I want, and actually, I need to be skinny. And by skinny, I mean really skinny. I mean perfectly skinny. Yes, I mean perfect. And I'm not. Not one little but. There are so many different things I need to change. And my best friend will help me make the changes I need to. At least that's what she tells me, every second she can. It's getting a bit old if you ask me. But what can I really say. She's the boss, and she helps me all the time. Everybody always tells me not to listen, and that she's always wrong. But they just don't get it. She IS right. She knows me, just as well as I know myself, maybe even better. She can help me just as well as anyone. I mean....not help in a healthy way, but help in a...different way. I know it's not healthy, but it just feels/seems like the best option. It just seems like it would be so much easier to just let Ana guide me through life, keeping me in check and just helping me make sure I am aware of all my choices. Just like a...guardian. Yeah, that's it, a guardian. I know I shouldn't, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone, but I just want to give in so bad. It just hurts. I just want to be skinny. I don't care if it means not eating. Food is just food. And yeah, I get hungry, but hunger is a small price to pay for perfection. And I am willing to pay.

New, and Now a Pause...

So...I got this up and running, and now I won't be writing for a long, long time. Well, maybe not too long, it just depends. I have to ask. I'm going back to my program, so I might or might not be able to write. I guess we will see, won't we?